March Madness!!!

detroitfinal4logo /

The end of March is one of the highlights of many people’s sports calendars. The baseball season is about to start, the NFL draft isn’t too far away and, of course, it’s Big Dance time. Compulsively watching the NCAA tournament is almost a patriotic duty, and I know that none of you will let your country down.

With that said, while it’s a great time to live vicariously through athletes who are increasingly younger than you are, the tournament only lasts so long. Spring kicks off today, so here are some suggestions of things you might want to try in this time of new beginnings:

Plant a garden: Listen, it’s really nice outside. Go and enjoy it! Get your hands a little dirty and watch some stuff emerge from the ground. You like tomatoes, peppers and onions? Then grow them yourself! You can stay organic, and also save some much needed money in these questionable economic times.

Your vegatables ARE safe
"Your vegetables ARE safe" /

Join a gang: It’s never a bad time to go out and meet some new people. Now that you’re going to be out in your garden, it’s not a bad idea to know that you’ve got some backup in your neighborhood. Seriously, it’s a very good idea.

I know that the initiation will suck, but who would you rather get your ass kicked by: new friends that have your back or sworn enemies who will stomp on the carrots that you’ve been watering for months? If that’s not an easy decision, then I must not know you.

Cycle off of the steroids: When you first got to Double A ball, it was pretty darn exciting. You were a prospect and were sure it was only a matter of time before you got called up. After a couple of years getting optioned to the minor league camp, though, you stopped trusting your swing, your game and your approach. When you were 31 you had barely sniffed a Triple A stadium, let alone the bigs. You started sniffing greenies instead. That led to the Stanozolol, the Dianabol and the backward ass HGH you found. Let it go. If the Pirates don’t need a left-handed backup second baseman/pinch runner then no one does.

Welcome to the new temple.
"Welcome to the new temple." /

Start a new religion: The churches we grew up in are great.

Fellowship? Check.

Sound life lessons? Check.

Awesome pot luck dinners? Check.

The realization that a set of twin assassin dragons were solely responsible for the extinction of dinosaurs and are now in the Ozark Mountains, gauging the best time to end all of mankind as we know it, and our only chance of survival is to give our praises to these stealth beasts?

That’s on you now, my friend. Go and get the word out. Make it make as much sense as possible to the masses.

And if it helps the cause at all, my mom is f’ing awesome at making capes.

Cook some Meth: This is about as self explanatory as it gets.

Improve yourself: Through some awesome body modifications!

This guy's pretty cool, but I'm sure you can do even better!
"This guy's pretty awesome, but I'm sure you can do even better!" /

We can all remember those first days of school. After few months away from most of your classmates, you wanted to make a really special first impression.

First grade saw a clever Garfield/Snoopy eraser/pencil sharpener combination that did the trick for the first few days. Second grade saw a Hulk Hogan lunch box with a sweet Corvette Trapper Keeper. Not bad at all, but Third grade was when you really started to get your shit together.

You pierced your ear.

At elementary school your friends said, “Wow, I can’t believe Phranklin’s mom let him go to Claire’s and do that. That’s pretty cool, I guess.”

While the earring was, of course, pretty cool, now that you’re a professional, with money at your disposal, it’s time to up the ante a little bit . The guys at the office have never known you without ear jewelry,  but they’ve also never seen you with a stinger and your fingers sewn together.

Imagine hearing this at the water cooler:

“Who in the hell is that glorious man-scorpion? Shit, I think it’s Phranklin. Awesome.”

Awesome indeed.

I'm sure you did the tracking, Hansel.
"I'm sure you did the tracking, Hansel." /

Eliminate a species: Any asshole (with a little bit of money) can fly to Africa and get some local to take him somewhere where he can shoot a lion or an exotic African wildhog, etc.. They get a couple pictures out of the deal that prove to their buddies that they’re an awesome hunter. What that picture really says, though, is that they’ve got a better job than you, and therefore more disposable income to waste on something like killing something on the other side of the earth.

The much more interesting, and exponentially cheaper, option is to try to wipe out a species completely. And the great thing about it is that you don’t even need a plane ticket!

First off, think small. Ending the reign of the Great Pandas or Bengal Tigers would be quite a feat, but how are you going to get to China with a high powered rifle? Plus, those animals are so high profile that someone’s bound to notice that they’re missing. Know your limitations.

Every state should have a Wildlife Resource Agency website. These sites should have information on what species are endangered in your state. A cursory glance at Tennessee’s list shows, for example, that the Gray Bat (myotis grisescens) is endangered in the “Volunteer State.” A quick trip to wikipedia will tell you most everything you need to know to destroy them. In the instance of the Gray Bat, without viable habitats, they probably won’t have much longer.

Basically, have fun with it! The start of spring is a great time to get in touch with the outside world around you, and one person most certainly can make a difference. Remember: THINK GLOBALLY, ACT LOCALLY!

Even Jesus hates Creed
Even Jesus hates Creed /

Take a Stand: And finally make up your mind on whose side of the Fred Durst/ Scott Stapp feud you’re on. I mean, I would have thought that this past decade would have been ample time to decide who rocked the most in the late 90’s.

“With Arms Wide Open” or “Nookie”?

“Higher” or “Break Stuff”?

“My Sacrafice” or “Counterfeit”?

I mean, even though these might have been the two most talentless bands in the history of talentless bands, you’re bound to have some opinion on it one way or another. I’m sure that these guys are up to absolutely nothing now. If you took my advice with the meth thing, there’s a good chance that a couple grand would get these guys to do that boxing thing again. At least that would probably a little entertaining.

All I’m saying is that now’s a good time to out and get some stuff done.

If you’ve got any better ideas, let me know.