For today’s installment of “That’s Soooo Raven” we will take a look at some of the fine folks to come out of the greater Chesapeake Bay area. A lot of really talented musicians, and just all around “life winners” on this list. Now if I could just find the dang sarcasm button on this keyboard…
- Michael Phelps – I don’t care how many gold medallions this guy has, if I have to see him at one more sporting event I’ll drown him. I dare him to step foot inside LP.
- Nancy Pelosi – Maybe the single biggest bitch in the history of politics. Hilary is old news and Sarah Palin doesn’t get that title just yet. She’s got to earn it…
- Mel Kiper Jr. – Worst. Analyst. Ever.
- Earl Simmons – But you would better know him as DMX. Poor guy has really fallen on hard times…
- Tom Clancy – One of the finest writers of our time. For me it goes Hemingway, Tolstoy, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Clancy.
- Pat Sajak – Category – US cities. Clue – Heroin capital of the country.
- Dru Hill – The group that introduced the world to Sisqó, who subsequently gave us “Thong Song” which helped ruin the summer of 2000. Thanks Dru Hill.
- Tori Amos – I don’t want to kill her, but if I could just kill her ability to make music. “Crush her spirit” if you will.
- David Hasselhoff – Have another, Dave.
- Barry Levinson – The man responsible for “Analyze That”
- Dan Deacon – Your music sucks.
- Adam Duritz – Your music sucks too. And we all know that those dreads aren’t real bro.
- Frank Zappa – No comment.
- Montel Williams – He may truly be the gem of the city.
Now for a few exceptions (because somebody good had to come out of that hell hole right?):
- Frederick Douglass – How many of you can say that you are an abolitionist and an author. None.
- Ira Glass – NPR personality who is a bit smug (aren’t they all?), but is somewhat responsible for launching the career of David Sedaris (who thank God is not from Baltimore).
- Cal Ripken Jr. – I wouldn’t have added him, but that wouldn’t be very “fair and balanced” of me. Plus he’s Kellen’s all-time favorite baseball player. You’re welcome.
- Tyrone “Mugsy” Bogues – I’ve actually got nothing ill to say about “Mugs”. He was a bad little dude.
- Rudy Gay – Maybe my favorite player in the NBA (sorry A.I.) so it’s nice to have him in Memphis.
- Toni Braxton – Don’t hate. You know you liked “Un-Break My Heart”.
- Ric Ocasek – The Cars were a decent group, and the dude bagged Paulina Porizkova so he’s got to have something going on.
- David Byrne – I actually love this man and his music. He is the shining beacon of light to come out of that city. He’s also a really smart guy, because he lives in Manhattan now. Well played DB, well played.
And then there is this guy who is the the epitome of class. Well done Baltimore. You are the torchbearers for the new frontier…